This is Love

1 Corinthians 13:13  "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love."

The Bible speaks of love in many places.  It is just that important.  When questioned what the greatest commandment was, Jesus answered, First, love God with all your heart, your soul, your mind.  Second, love your neighbor as yourself.  

Sounds simple enough except for one small thing...

What exactly is love?

I say I love dark chocolate, red wine, and pizza. I love potato chips with onion dip, sleeping in, and watching old movies.  I love autumn, walks in the mountains, and happy hour with friends.

But, I also love my husband, my daughter, and my son-in-law.  I love my parents, siblings and in-laws.  I love my extended family, friends and family who are no longer with us, and I loved my dearly departed dog.  I love my old friends, my new friends, and friends I have yet to meet.

I love the way my heart still races after all these years when my husband walks into the room.  I love the silly texts he sends me and the silly songs he sings.  I love making food I know he and others will enjoy.  I love making people feel welcome when they come to visit.  I love spending time with others.

I love God.

I love many people, places and things in different and unique ways.  So, how is it that one word can describe so many types of feelings?

Is it love...or something else?

We tend to use love and like interchangeably when it comes to inanimate objects, enjoyable tasks and other intangibles. Instead of saying, I really, really like something, or, I really, really enjoy something, or I really, really admire something, we say we love it.  Sometimes, love is just a more emphatic way of expressing our opinion. 

But what about love as it relates to other living beings...specifically people?  (Please don't lecture me about your pets.  I loved my dog, too.  But for the purpose of this narrative, I am going to put them in a separate category.  Okay?)

When it comes to people, we are very cautious about expressing love.  We treat it like a precious commodity that we should only dole out in small quantities.  We tend to express our love only when we are confident the love will be reciprocated.

But, isn't that contrary to what Jesus taught us in the Bible?  To love our neighbor as ourselves?  He didn't say love your neighbor only if you expect something in return...

Do you see the love?

A short time ago a friend of mine was hospitalized because she had several small strokes due to a sudden spike in her blood pressure.  As a result of the strokes, she is having to deal with the loss of her peripheral vision, a constant shadow that hangs over what she can see, and short term memory issues.  Doctors were trying to figure out the cause, but may never know.  She spent nearly a week in the hospital, dealing with the aftermath of the strokes.  

Her husband never left her side during this entire ordeal.

He spent every night sleeping on an uncomfortable futon in her hospital room so she wouldn't be alone.  He didn't leave the room unless there was a visitor to keep her company.  He was there to interpret what the doctors said, provide emotional support, and make her laugh in the face of terror.

This is love.

She wants to protect her husband by staying strong.  She tries not to breakdown in his presence - keeping some of the bad news moments private until she is convinced he can accept the loss.  She encourages him to leave her side for a few hours to spend time with friends.  She wants him to also feel the support of their community and the comfort of a good laugh and a beer.

This is love.

Friends came to the hospital daily to visit, crack jokes, play music and just sit.  When she was finally released from the hospital and sent home, family and friends rallied around.  They brought meals, took her to appointments, sat and talked.  They encouraged her and her husband by pointing out the small victories.  They sympathized when she expressed frustration at the hand she was dealt.  They invite her to join them in every day activities that used to be so normal and easy...but are now challenging and scary.

This is love.

Love is all around...we just need to be open to giving and accepting it.

Offering our love is not always easy.  Sometimes it is pushed away.  Sometimes it feels trivial.  Sometimes it is just hard to keep going in the face of struggle.

Accepting love is not always easy, either.  Sometimes we don't feel worthy of the love.  Sometimes we are too angry or hurt to realize we need love.  Sometimes we are wearing blinders and miss the love being offered.

Where ever we are in the cycle of life...love can be our constant.  We just need to learn to accept love, to give love and, as Someone wiser than me said, love our neighbors as ourselves.

What I Did Wrong

I tried to retire at fifty-eight and failed at what I thought would be my dream job.  

So, what went wrong?

I lost my identity.

When you work and people ask what you do, it's easy to answer,  I am a project coordinator for an electrical distributor.  But when you are retired, especially when you retire early, it is harder.  I used to be a project coordinator, but I retired early.  Oh?  What do you do all day?  Ummm, stuff?

My job was my identity.  Who was I now?

Health Insurance is expensive.

I was able to insure the two of us with COBRA through my employer for eighteen months, but the cost was much more than I anticipated with my rose colored, pre-retirement, glasses.  Checking for something similar through the open market was even more money.  I discovered the older you are, the more insurance costs. Surprise (to no one but me)!

I never seriously thought about the seven years I would have to provide and pay for insurance before we went on Medicare. I should have.

Netflix is the enemy.  

On days when I had little planned, it was so easy to get sucked in to watching "just one episode" while I ate lunch.  But Netflix knows what they are doing.  When one episode is done, you immediately are directed to the next episode, and the next, and the next until you look at the clock and realize the afternoon is gone.

My husband owns a small business and still worked.

I failed to consider that my husband would not understand my motivation for retiring.  Several years ago, when my employer asked that I give an estimated retirement date, he suggested March, 2017, the year I turned fifty-eight.  And said he supported my decision when I agreed to the target.  However, as the date got closer and closer, he started to joke that I maybe I should postpone my retirement.  That my work needed me too much.  That I should prepare to be poor.  That we couldn't afford to go out - go on vacation - buy luxury items.  That he didn't know what I would do all day.

And yet, in the same breath, he told me he just wanted me to be happy.  He was excited for me.  He could help with the cost of insurance through some creative (and legal) accounting by paying for COBRA  through his business.  He said he supported my community hikes, pottery classes, and volunteer opportunities.

But, he still didn't understand what I did all day.

And, he was going through some personal issues that affected his mindset.  He started to fear losing his business.  He worried we could not support our current lifestyle if I stayed retired.  He worried we would lose our health insurance.  He worried we would lose everything.  He said some hurtful things about my retiring too young, being lazy and not wanting to contribute.

My retirement was breaking him...

It was too easy to go back to work.

When my husband started his worrisome spiral, I said I would look for a part-time job.  It would make him happy and fill some of my time.  It didn't solve all our issues, but it would be a start.

At the same time, my previous employer heard I was looking, and they offered me my old job back with the same pay, benefits and a four day work week.

How could I refuse?  My husband was thrilled.

But, the number one reason I failed at retirement?

I HAD NO PLAN.

Me, the ruler follower, the planner of all planners, the spreadsheet guru, the to do list maker, the person who always needs to know who, what, when, where - did not think this retirement thing through before saying goodbye to my life of working for others.


I naively thought my days would magically be filled with activities without really thinking about what I wanted those days to look like. I didn't have any hobbies to fall back on.  The things I enjoyed doing were pretty sedentary.  The activities I wanted to try didn't always offer classes during the day when I had excess time to fill.  Many of the volunteer opportunities I looked at only happened once a month for a few hours.

I didn't have any structure.

The first few months were like being on an extended vacation - sleeping in, taking trips, going out for coffee or lunch, window shopping.  I worked on small projects around the house - randomly choosing whatever caught my fancy on that day.

I thought I would spend more time with my non-working friends until I realized they already had routines that did not include me.

For retirement to succeed I needed a plan.  I needed structure.  I needed to really think about what my retirement should look like.  I needed to take this seriously.  I needed to treat retirement like a job.

Unfortunately, I realized all this too late for my first retirement to be a success.

So, next time I decide to retire, I will have a plan.

I realize now that to be successful at retirement I can't just "wing it".  I will need to treat retirement as as my job - complete with a consistent time to wake up, a routine that will fill my days with structure, and a list of projects with deadlines.  I need to include specific time for daily exercise, time to practice a new hobby or to learn an instrument, time for housework, and time to pursue friendships with more determination.

I can no longer just spend at will.  I need a budget that considers health insurance costs, luxuries like vacations and eating out, and the day to day necessities of life.  I need to make sure my husband is ready for me to retire - that it does not cause him to panic again.

I am not sure when I will try to retire for the second and hopefully last time, but I have learned some valuable lessons and am starting to plan.

And next time, I will be ready...