Some days, I carry a lot of irrational guilt.
My father died when I was six months pregnant. I didn’t even know he was in the hospital. My family thought they were protecting me by not letting me know. Instead, I carried the guilt of not being there for him in his last days…his last hours. I carried the guilt that my daughter would never know her Grandpa. That maybe if I had been there, he wouldn’t have died. Which, I know, is ridiculous. But, I still felt the guilt.
My mother died five years later. This time, unlike with my father, I knew she was in the hospital and had visited with her for a short time before we hit the road. You see, we were on a family vacation in the Wisconsin Northwoods and my mom was supposed to be in that cabin with us. Instead, she was in the hospital…and died the night before she was to be released and a few days after my last visit. Once again, the guilt of not being there filled me with an ache I can’t describe. I was mad because she was not in the cabin with us and instead died alone in that hospital. I was filled with guilt.
My sister was diagnosed with cancer shortly before we moved to Colorado. She was too sick to come to my daughter’s high school graduation and I was angry she couldn’t be there…and felt guilty because I was celebrating while she was suffering. A little over a year later, Linda died while I was in Florida attending a street lighting conference for work. I was the only family member who was not with her in the end. Bring on the guilt.
About five years ago, my brother-in-law and his fiancé were supposed to visit us for Christmas. Instead, they stayed in Wisconsin because they were having furnace issues. A few days after the new year began, Lorin died of carbon monoxide poisoning in his old farmhouse in Wisconsin. If they would have come to Colorado instead, if I had insisted, I thought, he might be alive today. Even though I had no control over his actions, I felt guilt over what might have been…but wasn’t.
Psalm 46:1 - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble...
Psalm 46:1 - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble...
I feel guilt over a lot of things.
Not being there for the death of family members is just the tip of the iceberg. I feel guilt when I don’t recognize the physical and emotional hurt of myself or others. I feel guilt when I put my own self-care over attending to others. I feel guilt when I ignore my self-care and put other people’s needs over my own. I feel guilt that I am not kind enough, compassionate enough, considerate enough.
Logically, I know I should not carry guilt over any of these feelings.
But, logic doesn’t always triumph over emotion. It helps to remember that I am not in this alone. It helps to remember that God is there to support me and give me peace. That He wants me to give my burdens to Him and that He will take care of me. But it is still hard. I want to be in control, but to be truly free I know I must give up that control to the Lord.
Psalm 56:3 - When I am afraid I put my trust in You...
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