Recovering a Sense of Power

Week three of The Artist's Way was a difficult one for me.

Many of the weekly tasks had me spend time reflecting on my childhood and I have to admit, it was uncomfortable.  Don't get me wrong, my childhood was basically a normal, happy time.  I played make-believe for endless hours with my friends, laughed with my family as we played card games around the kitchen table, and discovered a love of reading.  I remember drawing copies of the sketches from the Art Institute ads in my mom's Reader's Digest magazines (you, too, can be an artist!), figuring out song melodies by ear on my little keyboard, and doing endless paint by number pictures.

I have many happy memories from my childhood.

But, I found myself stumped when asked to list five traits I liked about myself as a child.  I could only think of one.  What was up with that?  I really struggled with this and needed an extra day to complete the task of naming five.  I couldn't think of a single thing that I just listed in the previous paragraph.  It is so strange, I was basically a happy child, but had a real issue complementing myself.

Instead, all that came flooding into my head were the embarrassing, shame filled moments.

After my own consideration, along with some welcome insight from my daughter, I realized I was blocking my embarrassing memories at the expense of my creative self.  Kait paraphrased Brene' Brown who observed that if you "numb the dark, you numb the light."  When I buried my negative memories I was also burying my creative side.

I am not going to detail my embarrassing moments here.

Those are for me and my morning pages to hash out.  This week, however, helped me realize the importance of writing in my morning pages every day.  Not only did all the shameful memories pour out on to the paper, that process helped me let go of them.  I was able to took back with adult eyes and realize that I can give my childhood self some grace.  Funny how looking back without the shadows, I now realize I was creative and artistic as a child, I just forgot.

I can move on.

It is not an easy thing to do, forgive yourself for being a child who does childlike things, especially when you remember the negative reactions of others.  Whether it be a friends laughter at your expense or an adult's reprimand when you didn't realize what you did was considered wrong, it is important to forgive and let go of the negative memories.

I don't want to numb my creativity any longer.

Me and the neighborhood kids (I'm the tall one!)